


In the Darkness

by Quetzalcoatls



Series: Down Time [5]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Pain, so much pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-02 14:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2815853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quetzalcoatls/pseuds/Quetzalcoatls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Final Getsuga was the end of many things for ichigo, he just never understood just what it was going to cost him, or what getting those things back would reveal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Desolation

xxxxxxx

Ichigo had known objectively that he would loose Zangetsu, and he had thought that he would be able to deal with it, but looking back, he hadn't understood in the least what he was about to do to himself. Tensa Zangetsu had understood far better then him what loosing the spirit was going to do to him, it had been why he had fought so hard to stop him, and why was truly willing to hurt him if thats what it took. In the end however Ichigo's ignorance and stubbornness had won out, but they both understood that there was really no choice everyone else had tired and failed, if they didn't do this they would die anyway. Ichigo just hadn't understood that there were things so _much_ worse than death. For that first week after feeling Zangetsu fade away the sheer agony of loosing him had almost done him in, but he had pushed on refusing to give in to the pain. Even then he had thought he could handle it, but after just three weeks ichigo was on the verge of killing himself because he couldn't stand the silence anymore. Only Isshin proving for once that he _did_ have an iota of common sense kept Ichigo from ending his own life that day. Ichigo had cried himself to sleep in his fathers arms for the first time since he was 9 when Isshin had stopped him.

His father hadn't said anything, knowing that telling him he would be alright wouldn't help, because they both knew he wouldn't be. Isshin was the only person that had any true idea of what Ichigo was going through. Sure the others knew objectively that loosing ones zanpakotou was the most terrible thing that could befall a shinigami, but they didn't _know_. Isshin had been cut off from Engetsu for years after they had used a much less powerful version of Mugetsu, the only thing that had kept him alive was Masaki and the knowledge that Engetsu wasn't _gone_ just too weak to even be felt by him. But Zangetsu would not be coming back under his and Ichigo's own power, nor was there any known way to bring back Ichigo's power and the blade that was a part of his soul. Isshin could only hope that Kisuke came up with something and soon. They both had no illusions of Ichigo being able to last more then a year or two in this state with no hope. It killed him to watch his son go back to something resembling normal for a few minutes only for something to remind the teen of the silence in his own mind. Ichigo's eyes would hold a look of such agony for an instant that whoever was talking to him would recoil in horror.

A little over a year and half a dozen more suicide attempts later, and Isshin knew instantly that something was up when Ichigo walked into the house with that glint in his eyes and faint smirk on his face. He had actually given the girls a real smile and punched him in the face when he had taken an experimental swing at him. Oh yes he was going to be interrogating Kisuke later, he knew the mad scientist had finally had a lead on something to bring Zangetsu back, but it was still at least a week or two away from being even remotely usable. There was no way Kisuke had told Ichigo, he had been adamant about not giving him false hope. Honestly, sometimes he had to wonder if Kisuke had forgotten that Ichigo wasn't actually the crazy scientists own son.


	2. Despair

**Despair**

Sound the bugle now - play it just for me

As the seasons change - remember how I used to be

Now I can't go on - I can't even start

I've got nothing left - just an empty heart

_Sound the Bugle : Bryan Adams_

x x x

Three months. Three month since he made the worst decision of his short life. The gaping black hole in his soul couldn't be ignored, it couldn't be forgotten, it was forever.

He would never again doubt the truth of 'you don't know what you have until you've lost it' Zangetsu was gone, and all because he wasn't strong enough to get rid of Aizen without destroying himself in the process. He hadn't even been able to kill the bastard, just knock him down long enough for Urahara's kido to finally work.

And hadn't that just been salt in the wound? Idiot. If only Kisuke had said something about his kido. The power he had when he left the dangai had been immense, and he may have known when Aizen had evolved that last time that he didn't have the power to kill him, but hurt him enough for that spell to work? Maybe, just maybe he could have done it.

He could have pulled on everything he had short of his trump card, and ripped the bastard apart, he could have done it. He KNEW it, if anything that certainty just made it hurt still more. He'd given everything. Everything. And in the end, it hadn't been necessary to go that far. Zangetsu had realized that at the same moment he had. Kisuke had gone and told Aizen about the spell he had planted early in the fight, and the hope that Ichigo would be able to knock him down far enough for it to work. Zangetsu had told him it was alright, but it WASN'T ALRIGHT! He wanted to hate Kisuke so much for that, but he couldn't, just like he couldn't tell the bastard that his fate was completely unnecessary if he would have just explained his god damn plan for once.

Now he had nothing, not even what he'd started with.


	3. Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what is 'real' anyways?

**Dream**

x x x

I went to bed, I was thinking about You

I ain't the same since I'm living without You

All the memories are getting colder

All the things that I wanna do over

I went to bed I was thinking about You

I wanna talk and laugh like we used to

When I see You in my dreams at night

It's so real but it's in my mind

And now, I guess, this is as good as it gets

_Don't Wake Me - Skillet_

x x x

Ichigo could only stare in dumb shock when he opened his eyes and found himself in his inner world. Urahara had told him that without his power, he wouldn't be able to reach his this place, with or without Zangetsu there. How the hell was this possible? Were his powers coming back?

"Ichigo?" A puzzled voice asked behind him. Ichigo's heart nearly stopped, he spun around and spotted that familiar black cloak. He practically teleported to Zangetsu's side, all but tackling him in a hug. Zangetsu wrapped an arm around ichigo shoulders still looking a bit confused. Zangetsu looked down at Ichigo with a faint frown, Ichigo didn't see it though, to busy clinging to the spirit. A look of realization crossed the zanpakotou's face, he closed his eyes, silently cursing the fact that this had happened.

"This isn't real Ichigo." Zangetsu said tiredly looking down at him, Ichigo blinked in confusion.

"But...how...why not?" He asked confused not releasing his hold on the spirit. Zangetsu closed his eyes pained at the confusion and fear in Ichigo's own.

"It's just a dream ichigo." He answered Ichigo gave him blank look.

"No, its not." He argued Zangetsu sighed

"Yes, Ichigo, it is."

"NO!" Ichigo clung all the tighter, burring his face in the black cloak like a child hiding from monsters in the night, refusing to to admit the inevitable. Zangetsu sighed an ran a hand through Ichigo's hair.

"Anything is possible in a dream Ichigo, but that does not mean this is real." He tried to explain.

"Don't care." Was the slightly muffled response.

"Ichigo..." He trailed off with a sigh.

"Even if it is a dream.." Ichigo finally spoke haltingly pulling away enough to look up at zangetsu's face. "You're here now, does it really matter?"

"It will only hurt more when you wake up." Zangetsu tried to reason, Ichigo just gave him one of his rare smiles.

"And for now at least, it doesn't hurt at all." He answered, Zangetsu sighed softly and shook his head. Ichigo didn't understand, he wasn't back, nor was this version of him real. Odd really, to know that your not real. Under normal circumstances a dream wouldn't really be aware of being a dream, but the line between reality and dreams could bend with matters of the soul like this. He was more real then a normal dream, but that still didn't mean he _was_ truly real. Ichigo was right about one thing though, for now the teen could escape the pain, even if just for a little while. Real or not, he couldn't deny Ichigo that.


	4. Dauntless

**Dauntless**

Something missing, left behind

Search In circles, every time I try

I've been here before, yeah

I'v seen you before

_These Walls - Trapt_

X X X

Ichigo was barely aware of Rukia or anyone else the moment the power exploded from the blade into his soul. Time halted and the world blacked out. An instant later he was standing in the sideways city in his soul for the first time in ages, he was utterly still, almost afraid to hope. _"Ichigo?_ " A voice behind him asked quietly sounding just as shocked as him. Ichigo was frozen, he couldn't forget that dream, almost as terrible as wonderful, to have had him back, if only for a few hours.

Hesitant footsteps echoed though the empty buildings as the apparition behind him walked up to him, a hand lightly touched his shoulder, familiar reiatsu curling around him. _"Ichigo?"_ He asked again Ichigo shuddered and Zangetsu tugged lightly forcing him to turn around. The black cloak and sunglass were the same as he remembered them. Concerned blue eyes watching him from behind the orange lenses.

"Zan?" He asked finally terrified that he was going to wake up any second, the whole situation had seemed like a bad dream. First Ginjou and then everyones memories being altered, he wasn't sure what was real anymore. Zangetsu sighed softly and tugged him forward into a hug, ichigo didn't resist, allowing himself to be pulled into the embrace. Zangetsu's reiatsu wrapped around them like a blanket. That couldn't be faked, not even by a dream. Ichigo finally broke down crying silently clinging to the black cloak. Zangetsu closed his eyes cursing himself for ever letting Ichigo use the final Getsuiga, they may have died if they hadn't, but at least Ichigo wouldn't have suffered as much. He could see everything his wielder had gone through in the year and a half it had taken for the shinigami to figure out a solution, and knew for certain what the others had only suspected, another month, probably less, and ichigo would have died even with his fathers intervention. A few minutes passed and Ichigo had finally stopped shaking, now only clinging to his cloak like it was the only thing that mattered.

 _"Ichigo?"_ Zangetsu asked quietly keeping his reiatsu coiled tightly around them, it seemed to help a bit as Ichigo straightened, pulling away but not letting go of his cloak.

"I thought you were never coming back," He said quietly

 _"I am back now though."_ He answered with a faint smile.

"Im not just dreaming this again, am i?" Ichigo asked after a moment.

 _"Its not a dream, ichigo. And I do remember that night, as well as everything else."_ Ichigo blinked in confusion.

"Wait but if it wasn't real.. How can you remember it?" Zangetsu sighed, a faint smile on his face.

 _"Everything you know, I do as well, ichigo. I remember what happened as you do, rather then as myself."_ Ichigo was silent.

"Everything?" he asked after a moment, his expression blank.

 _Yes ichigo, everything. And if you ever try to kill yourself again..."_ He trailed off, a warning expression on his face. Ichigo winced, embarrassed.

"Sorry." He muttered. Zangetsu sighed and pulled ichigo close to him again.

 _"As much as it upsets me, Ichigo, I do understand."_ He let Ichigo cling to him for a few moments longer before pulling away. Ichigo looked at him in confusion.

"Zan?" He asked puzzled and worried. Zangetsu smirked slightly.

_"As much as I wish we could spend the next week here, Ichigo. I believe you have a battle to be getting to. Will you let those fools get away with tricking you?"_

"Tricking me?" Ichigo echo before giving Zangetsu a lopsided smile, the fire starting to come back to his eyes. "They never tricked me Zan, I'm not stupid, I knew they wanted something. I may not have known what at first, but I didn't go into that thinking they were simply helping me out of the goodness of their hearts." Zangetsu raised an eyebrow, oh he knew Ichigo wasn't half as stupid as he liked to make people think, but he hadn't had a chance to go through all 2 years of memories yet.

 _"Indeed. Now get going. You don't want to leave your friends waiting do you?"_ He asked. Ichigo grinned and nodded sharply before fading out of his mind. He opened his eyes back in reality to see a dust cloud that was beginning to settle. The comforting weight of Zangetsu's blade in his hand made him smirk darkly, he flared his reiatsu forcing the dust away. Zangetsu's reiatsu curled around him tightly as he stared at Ginjou, his face expressionless. Zangetsu chuckled darkly.

" _Well? What are you waiting for, Ichigo?"_ Ichigo let a smirk slip onto his face, Ginjou took a step back, looking uncertain. Ichigo charged, Zangetsu cutting through the air before him.


	5. Despondent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the wake of ichigo getting his powers back 'zangetsu' contemplates the lie that is his existence, and the ending that he knows is coming.

Despondent

 

X X X

Last night I had a crazy dream  
A wish was granted just for me, it could be for anything  
I didn't ask for money or a mansion in Malibu  
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, one more time  
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied  
But then again, I know what it would do  
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you, one more day

One more day - Diamond Rio

X X X

Quiet. A contented silence permeated ichigo's soul. Zangetsu was not so contented however. More now then ever before, the pure trust ichigo had in him felt like a betrayal. For a few moments after the girl had revived ichigo's power he had almost been able to forget, forget that he wasn't, and never would be 'zangetsu'. This lie could not go on much longer.

Nearby the 'hollow' stood, watching him, his usual sneer absent from his face. If anything, a deep enough look in those sharp golden eyes would have revealed only pity. "Well old man? Ya finally going to tell him the truth?" the hollow asked, 'Zangetsu' closed his eyes, the other was entirely to perceptive sometimes, but he remained silent. There really wasn't anything to say.

The hollow sighed and shook his head. "You should tell him now, don't wait for him to find out himself, old man. You honestly think he won't forgive you?" 'Zangetsu' didn't even look at him, he wouldn't be forgive for what he had done. Not once Ichigo really thought about what he'd lost thanks to his deception. He would rather have what little time remained for him.

In the end he would be destroyed as the interloper he was, he would just be a black mark in Ichigo memories, everything he had ever been to the boy, just a web of lies. He was glad his back was to the hollow, the real Zangetsu unable to see the tears sliding down his face.

X X X


	6. Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ichigo faces Yhwach, and zangetsu knows that this is the end. Whether Ichigo lives or dies in this battle, he would question his true nature. And his careful web of lies would be torn down around him. "for what its worth, I'm sorry it ended like this old man, I was really beginning to like you"

Departure

xxx

In this farewell  
There's no blood  
There's no alibi  
Cause I've drawn regret  
From the truth  
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come  
And wash away

What I've done  
I'll face myself  
To cross out what I've become  
Erase myself  
And let go of what I've done

What I'v done - linkin park

xxx

Zangetsu was silent, only for a moment had true despair ruled his heart when the Arrancar claiming to be a Quincy had appeared and attacked ichigo. He couldn't really call the feeling that held sway in his heart now as peace, merely acceptance, this was his end. The last battle that Ichigo would fight with him by his side. He could feel Ichigo's rage as they left Byakuya behind with the promise to protect Seireiseti, he closed his eyes, he didn't want to see his own face staring back at him, as the spirit he had once been was confronted by ichigo.

If he was lucky this fight would destroy him completely and he would never have to face Ichigo and explain why. He heard Ichigo's words as he demanded to know who the enemy's leader was, and tried not to flinch as he heard his own voice answer ichigo. To say the boy was unnerved would be an understatement. Appearance was one thing, you ran into people everyday that looked like others you knew, but the voice as well, Ichigo just didn't know what to think of this.

He felt Ichigo's rage rise higher as he pulled on his power, charging a getsuga, he gave everything he had whole heartedly, but he knew it wouldn't be enough, not against this. The attack was swept away like it was nothing. Zangetsu opened his eyes, it was like looking into a mirror, only that self assured vicious smirk had never crossed his face.

Yhwach's blade was only millimeters from ichigo throat when zangetsu decided that enough was enough, if he was going to be found out this day, he at least wanted to go out protecting the child that had somehow found a way into his heart. The blade pierced ichigo's throat even as zangetsu gathered his power, Yhwach's words only made him more determined to act, Ichigo would never be one of that mad mans servants.

"Blut Vene" He whispered, activating the technique, power detonated away from Ichigo, the Quincy nature of the energy undisguised for the first time ever. He almost chuckled when Yhwach completely misinterpreted how it had happened only moments later, better that he didn't know what happened when you combined the powers of a Shinigami and a Quincy. Wouldn't he be unnerved to know that a copy of him existed within Ichigo's soul?

He winced a moment later, all amusement swept aside as Yhwach mentioned Ichigo's mother. If there was one sure fire way to set Ichigo off beyond all hope of reason it was mentioning his mother.

Pain like nothing he had ever felt before tore through him a moment later as his blade was slashed in half when Ichigo tried to follow Yhwach's retreat, demanding to know what the hell he was talking about. He collapsed, absolute agony raging through him, this was nothing like those other times the blade had been broken. The hollow had collapsed as well, but he was shielded somewhat by the very power used to suppress him. "fo..for what its worth old man, I'm sorry it had to end like this." the hollow said through gritted teeth. "I was actually starting to like you.." he didn't answer letting the darkness at the edge of his vision sweep him away, there was no point in fighting.

"Goodbye Ichigo"

xxx


	7. Dual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learning who 'zangetsu' really is, ichigo makes a choice, quincy, shinigami or hollow, he is them, and they are him. He can no more deny one side of himself then he can the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quetzal - to Moonshadow6 on AO3, congratulations that epic of a comment you left got my ass moving. HAVE A CHAPTER YOU FINE REVIEWER YOU!!!!

X X X

And tonight is the night

I need you here to save my soul

I lied to you, said I'll always be around

Inside myself I was somewhere else

But the only thing I wanted

The only thing I needed

Is to hold you till the end of time

Save my soul - Renegade five

X X X

Consciousness was greeted with resigned exhaustion, he didn't want to do this, why couldn't he have just died? He heard someone speaking, telling Ichigo that the hollow was really his zanpakuto. Then came the words he had hoped to never hear.

"You should know it yourself, what the old man that has been pretending to be your zanpakuto till this day is?" The man asked, Zangetsu closed his eyes as he felt Ichigo enter his inner world.

"Zangetsu-ossan?" Ichigo asked looking at his silent form in puzzlement. The man from before continued to speak, Ichigo remaining aware enough of his body to keep listening.

"Ichi-chan, do you know that man?"

"Of course I do!" Ichigo snapped back, confused. "This is Zangetsu!" Ichigo's words only made the next words all the more painful, even having been told straight up that he wasn't Zangetsu, Ichigo still didn't believe it.

"Wrong" The man answered sharply, he tried not to cringe at what he knew was coming.

"Thats not it, take a closer look. You should've actually seen him with your own eyes recently! As the leader of the enemy that overran soul society!" Ichigo's horror as he made the connection cut far deeper than any blade. The man continued digging the painful truth even deeper. "He isn't your zanpakuto, this man and the Quincy power that lies inside you. This form is Yhwach from 1000 years ago!" He opened his eyes, and struggled with his fear for a moment, before meeting Ichigo's gaze. Ichigo eyes were slightly distant as he struggled to understand, but that only lasted for a moment before the teens focus snapped back to his form, utter horror and confusion covered Ichigo's face.

The sky rumbled, and it started to rain, for once though he was glad for the rain, it blurred the air between them and hid his growing despair as tears threatened to escape his eyes. "What does this mean, Zangetsu?" Ichigo asked, he flinched, knowing this was probably the last time he would hear Ichigo call him that. But he couldn't deny Ichigo the truth this time, refusing to meet Ichigo's betrayed gaze he answered.

"Its as you heard, and, I'm not, 'Zangetsu'" He answered, faced with the fact that one of the most basic things in his heart was false, Ichigo's inner world shuddered and the building they were standing on shattered and fell into the ocean that always remained just out of sight beneath the foundations of the silver and blue city.

"Are you really Yhwach? Are you not, Zangetsu?" He suppressed the urge to shudder at being called Yhwach before answering.

"I am the source of the Quincy power within you, I am and I am not Yhwach." No, not him, not the monster that had cut Ichigo down without a second thought, never him. Ichigo was on the verge of a panic attack, but somehow managed to not attack him in pure outrage yet, merely yelling. He truly wished Ichigo would just kill him, it would hurt less then dragging every last one of his secrets into the light.

"I DONT GET IT! ARE YOU AN ENEMY?! AN ALLY? WAS ALL YOU TOLD ME SO FAR A LIE?" He pulled his gaze away from Ichigo, thinking back on everything he had done, could he honestly say he wasn't and had never been Ichigo's enemy? After what he had done to the real 'Zangetsu' to steal his name, and all that had followed, no he couldn't say he wasn't, but everything he had done had been to protect him as well, no matter how terrible.

"ANSWER!" Ichigo snarled at his silence.

"I am neither you enemy, nor your ally." he spoke slowly choosing his words carefully. "However." he added, deciding that this was the only consolation he would give himself, to try and make Ichigo understand. "My words and my heart never lied to you. Except for when I told you my name. Ichigo." It was time to show Ichigo who the one he really should have been trusting all this time was, it was the least he could do for the zanpakuto whose name he had stolen. "I’d think you must have noticed. When I taught you how to use a zanpakuto, I always used the powers of the hollow. When you used up all of your power. When your life was seriously in danger. The one who saved you... Wasn't me," and didn't that just kill him a little more inside? "It was the hollow."

"I... Didn't want you to become a Shinigami. Thats why I tried to suppress your growing potential, and always tried to be the core of your power" Ichigo stared at him no longer enraged, only confused.

"Why?" He asked finally, looking rather lost and frustrated. Zangetsu closed his eyes tiredly.

"Why?" he echoed before continuing. " Is it strange for me.. To want to keep you safe?" he asked quietly. "If you became a Shinigami, you will unavoidably be involved in battles. You will be hurt, you will suffer." He looked back up at Ichigo, one more little white lie, so that this could all end he thought tiredly, but his resolve to end everything was wavering. "And one day, I will definitely have to kill you with my own hands." He could almost convince himself that his original goal was the right path. After all wasn't a swift end better than all the pain and strife Ichigo had experienced in his time as a Shinigami? It was just enough for him to mask his pain and try and ignore the shock on Ichigo's face. He tossed his cloak back summoning the real Zangetsu to his hand, white power raged around the blade, contained by his own only barely. Ichigo starred at him grimly, his eyes narrowed as he clenched a fist. The pain in his eyes went beyond a mere betrayal. Zangetsu will cracked under that gaze, he couldn't do it, he couldn't make Ichigo kill him. His wielders despair would know no end if he was forced to kill him himself.

"I mustn't let you become a Shinigami," he spoke quietly, "If you become one, I’ll have to kill you... So I thought." Ichigo blinked startled at the sudden shift. Zangetsu continued on ignoring the look. "However, you eventually did become a Shinigami. You had a chance. Trained hard. And despite all your pain and suffering, you chose to pursue that path." Zangetsu wanted to smile faintly at that, remembering Ichigo's endless determination in the face of impossible odds.

"Whenever I saw you like that, my heart would waver. Eventually instead of stopping you from becoming a Shinigami my heart started to help you in your path. And now, like this, I'm even happy, to step back." with a shaky breath he released his hold over the zanpakuto, the power faired wildly. The blade free of his control for the first time since the shattershaft. He let the backlash wash him away. “Ichigo, what you’ve been using so far, is just a part of your power. The part I wasn’t able to suppress. Now, you can finally fight with you _own_ strength, Take it with you. That’s your real zanpakuto.” He said at last as consciousness began to fail him once more. Terror flashed through Ichigo’s eyes and he lunged for the vanishing spirit.

“WAIT! ZANGETSU!! I STILL HAVEN’T…!” He didn’t hear whatever it was that Ichigo hadn’t said yet as he faded into the darkest depth of Ichigo’s soul. Darkness closed around himself and he knew only silence. He wasn’t sure how long it had been when words filtered back to him. There was no time in this place. “Zangetsu, I don’t care who you are. You might say it’s not true. That you. And Him..” he felt more then saw Ichigo’s faint smile. “I’m sure you’re both..Zangetsu.” He sensed Ichigo’s attention turn to the hollow, which although currently separate, was very much present. “Is that ok with you? Zangetsu?” the hollows laughter and the sudden surge of power that tore through them was his only answer. His mind and soul were swept away once more, but now dragged back out into the light and into burning power.

Ichigo looked down at the twin blades in his hands. A smile tugging at his lips. “ _Zangetsu.”_ He thought, smiling widening at the twin answers he received. One wildly gleeful. And one shocked beyond belief. “ _Did you really think, that I would ever leave one of you behind? I’d hoped you knew me better than that, old man.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quetzal – well this has been sitting 90% done on my computer for a year ^_^ there should be one more chapter to it. Called ‘Dawn’ which will be a departure from cannon as the current manga makes me want to know what the fuck Kubo is smoking. Cause this whole blood war arc? Went WAY past the twilight zone a long fucking time ago and is in uncharted waters of wtf.


End file.
